Preparing home for girlfriend
  • | October 4, 2016
A man’s home is his castle and he is the king. So when it’s time to throw the new queen a set of keys for the first time, it’s only natural that the king panics about what the new queen is going to think about his living space.

When it comes to preparing your home for a new girlfriend, there are two key things you need to accept, guys:

  1. When it comes to your living space: She is going to think you’re a slob whether you think so or not.

  2. Even if you clean up before she arrives, she will find something.

Welcome to relationships, guys. So since we’ve already accepted that the perfection ship sailed a long time ago, it’s time to move on to putting your best foot forward and presenting as un-slob-like a picture as possible. Here are a few things to consider:

  1. Dust. No matter how clean you think you are, if you aren’t dusting you aren’t cleaning. Dust collects on surfaces whether you like it or not. You may have only ever seen a duster in old movies but a slightly damp rag will work just as well. Pay careful attention to dark surfaces, window blinds, and electronics (like your television).

  2. Clean your bathroom. Then clean your bathroom again. As men we are fairly sloppy folks and nowhere is this truer than the bathroom. Even if you think you’re “pretty clean for a guy,” the bathroom will give you away. Pay special attention to the underside of the toilet seat and the shower. Also, don’t forget to clear out anything embarrassing from the medicine cabinet!

  3. Invest in air fresheners. As men, we are into smells. Women? Not so much. A little Febreeze or Lysol can go a long way. Better yet, Glade plug-ins. Plug it in and let it do its thing.

  4. Clean the refrigerator. That casserole your elderly neighbor made you for Christmas back in 2012 was really good. Unfortunately, it’s been sitting in the fridge for four years and the bacteria has evolved to the point where it’s begun to become self-aware. Pitch it.

  5. Empty all trash. Garbage smells and women will smell it even if you don’t. Gather it all up and throw it all out.

  6. Be aware. Try to look at your apartment with outside eyes. Things that don’t generally bother you are often more noticeable to another person, especially a woman. Put cleanliness at the top of your mind and ask yourself: “could I safely perform surgery in this room?” If the answer is no, it might be time to clean again. If the answer is “yes’ and you’re not a doctor it’s not recommended.

  7. Call in a pro. If you have the time and the resources hire a cleaning service. Depending on where you live, professional house cleaning can run anywhere from $50 to a few hundred. Well worth it, if you can swing it.

Preparing your home for a new girlfriend can be nerve-wracking, but it doesn’t have to be. Remember to put your best foot forward, clean up, and generally be aware of your surroundings. Remember: we’re men and we live filthily. This is a new girlfriend so we want to hide that fact as long as possible.

Good luck.